Friday, January 4, 2013

Turn and face the strange...ch ch changes
"And these children that you spit on as they try to change their world,
     Are immune to your consultation, they're quite aware of what they're going through..."
     -  David Bowie -

I've worked closely with my son on soccer from when I first started kicking a ball around with him at 18 months old to now, as he is about to turn 13, and is playing Spring and Fall for a competitive select soccer club, is travelling to North Carolina this weekend with his 35 teammates who made it onto the State of Georgia Olympic Development Program (going to play state teams from North Carolina, Virginia, and other states), and will be trying out for Pius High School's middle school soccer team a couple weeks from now.  Quite a load on top of his Dad putting him through workouts 4 days a week.

You see, we decided to take the winter indoor soccer season off- really my idea to take a break from the game and do strength and conditioning work with him one on one- his technical skills are very good but the game is getting faster and more physical at his age and he is a smaller stature guy so I saw an opportunity to help- particularly with his confidence to be able to stand his ground when challenged.  

We have always had a feisty relationship around sports or games- we are both competitive and a bit stubborn.  And truthfully, his being adopted puts an added wrinkle in our relationship as father and adopted son.  I must explain- I don't agree with those who say parents shouldn't push their kids.  There is nothing wrong with pushing- the real problem is between destructive versus constructive pushing.

Back to the topic for this blog- I am amazed at how my son has taken to the training, and he's seeing results that then reinforce his interest- higher vertical jumps, more pull-ups  etc. and the tone of his arm muscles (which he has now taken to inspecting in the mirror like a true teenager!).  But when we're training, he will often not be a pleasant guy to be around, and vents his frustration at me when the pain of the workout increases.  That was the parenting challenge that was placed before me- should I and can I focus on the bigger goal and let him grump and behave in ways that he knows will annoy me?

I forget how much he's already handling in his life, and not just on the athletic field.  How he in his own way lets off steam when he is nervous or trying to get psyched up for training or a match.  He deals with things in his own way- not mine, and talks or doesn't talk about things in a different way than I would, and sometimes it feels rude or inconsiderate or I feel shut out but it's how he needs to overcome whatever is stressing him.  I used to say more of "you gotta do it this way, any other way is crap" about a lot of things.  Honestly, that's how it was for me growing up- there was almost always a right way and a wrong way to do EVERYTHING!  

But I've learned to back off, particularly letting him vent or act out on his independence and focus on the important thing, the real goal- in this case that he's still doing the training.  So, I'm turning to face the strange ch ch changes of being Dad to a teenage boy and trying to stay relevant to him in a world where many things compete for his attention.  There is so much I learned in the middle school years both in school and in sports and I want so bad to help him do the right things and avoid the mistakes.  But there is an art to getting the message across in a way that he takes it in and makes it his own.

I'm learning to tune out the "noise" and just really look at the progress toward the core goal I'm trying to reach with him, and relax on the self-expression he shows along the journey.  Other parents have told me to dread the middle school years, but right now, I'm excited because I think it's just a matter of evolving the way I relate to my kids, it's different and not the Sugar Mountain of the young years, but in a way also more real and I like that.  I know that a teenager's goal in self-expression always contains a bit of something to annoy or create distance with their parents, it's always been that way.  But it's also a test for us- can we ignore the noise, and stay relevant and respected by them so that we can help them with setting  goals and doing what's necessary to reach those goals?

So this blog entry is not really my usual topic of youth soccer, but about the importance of having a connection with my son as he enters the teen years.  Sports are such a good way for a father to stay connected with his son as he starts to get all kinds of other interests like music, clothes, and girls.  Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes- funny that David Bowie song was actually the graduation theme song we selected my senior year in high school.  Things come full circle, don't they?!

Happy New Year, to all the Soccer Dads and Soccer Moms out there.